Orgasm : Do You Show Up For the Big O?

Do you show up - I mean really show up - when you have sex or make love? You might think, "Well, anyone would show up for that, right?" In the past, I would have agreed with this statement. Now, I have some serious doubts. I firmly believe in the importance of showing up and being present. Being present is essential to creating a full, sensuous, enjoyable experience of life. Though "being present" may sound like something that should be easy, in actuality, it poses a great challenge for many or most of us. Few people realize how little time they spend truly being present... even for events that should be pleasurable.

I used to think, without a doubt, that I showed up all the time. Then, in my early thirties, I received a "wake up call" when I began to do a lot of "consciousness work." Prior to that, I had been on a path of self-exploration for over a decade, but this was an intensive new phase of my personal growth process, bringing a whole new level of self-discovery. By the time I began this, I had graduated Summa Cum Laude from an Ivy League college, and had enjoyed tremendous academic success in a top-rated graduate program in Counseling Psychology. I had been involved in the performing arts, singing solos in choirs and playing leading roles in musical theater productions. As a hopeful romantic, I had experienced my share of joys and heartbreaks. So when I began participating in this series of retreats and trainings, my ego told me that I, of all people, must be good at being present - especially to have been able to accomplish what I had accomplished academically. I had a big surprise in store for me...

The more I learned about becoming aware and being present, the more I realized how little time I had been spending in awareness or in the present. I once had what was, to myself at that time, the embarrassing realization that -- almost whenever I was making love -- I would suddenly transport myself, mentally, to places I had been before. Without any warning or logical connection to anything, my mind would take me to a square in Florence, a house in Greece, an outdoor hot-tub in Arizona, or a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean in California. One time I recall, out of the blue, seeing myself as a fourth grader on the playground outside the elementary school I attended as a child. When I caught myself, all I could think was, "What the hell am I doing here?" It was not the most flattering moment for a young woman who had been striving to be a wonderful, sensual lover! Needless to say, I certainly was not experiencing great passion and intimacy in the moments I was completely "checked out."

In order to have a heightened, sensual experience, you really need to get present. In particular, you need to show up for the "Big O"! Okay, well maybe some of you can have a half-decent orgasm while fantasizing about some Playboy Bunny or Chippendale hunk, and/or some Victoria's Secret model or that stud in the latest Calvin Klein underwear ad. But I truly believe that you cannot have a fully embodied, "blow your mind and curl your toenails" kind of orgasm when your mind is wandering off somewhere. Neither can you build deep intimacy with a romantic partner under such circumstances, if that is what you are seeking to do.

If people were motivated to show up for anything, you would think that they would be motivated to show up for a pleasurable, sensual, and potentially loving experience. What about you? Do you spend time "in the moment"? 

Do you show up for the "Big O"? If you are not certain about whether or not you are truly present, then -- assuming that if you are reading this you probably are sexually active -- this may be one area in which to test yourself. You may want to ask yourself some of these questions (either while making love or while reviewing it afterward):

• Am I truly feeling, seeing, and engaging in what is happening in the moment?
• Am I truly experiencing the person I am with - rather than taking for granted that I already know him or her?
• Am I comparing him or her to a previous lover or to some ideal lover I have in my mind?
• Am I fantasizing about someone else?
• Am I concerned about the time?
• Am I worrying about work/studying/errands I should be doing now, or need to do later?
• Is my mind wandering to financial concerns or other challenges in my life?

In other words, the main question is:
Am I really here, or am I "checked out" and thinking about someone or something else?

Of course, you can ask similar questions about whether or not you truly are present for any experience in life that you are having, not just intimate or sexual experiences. If you discover, in this process of questioning, that you are not present very often, do not feel dismayed: this just means that you are a pretty normal human being. Realizing that you are not present can serve as a wake up call: When you become aware enough to "catch yourself" when you are checked out, you can begin to bring yourself back to the present. Many of us avoid the present. When we are in the present, we really allow life to impact us: hence, we feel vulnerable to life, and thus potentially vulnerable to feeling pain. However, it is only in taking the risk of being present that we can experience sheer joy and ecstasy, as well. So, the next time you are making love, take a risk: Show up for the "Big O"!

You'll be glad you came

Body language to arouse sex instinct..

A woman with her body language can easily instigate and beckon a man towards her. There are a number of such body languages that a woman can display in order to arouse sexual instincts in men. It has been found that sometimes the body shows certain signals that come out unconsciously and sometimes it is knowingly done or purposefully displayed. Women today are still using much of the same body language to attract men that their ancient ancestors used and men still fall for women's tricks.Here are such body languages both by men and women. Women have more flirting body languages that they use or adopt in order to evoke sexual desires in men. Entwining her legs (men can't do this one because their hips are too narrow) draws a mans attention. However, it indicates she is very protective and closed to sexual advances from men. Her tight leg muscles are appealing to a man but are his challenge to untangle.Another great preening move men enjoy watching is for a woman to do things calling attention to her mouth. Licking her lips, putting on lipstick, or eating something slowly with obvious great pleasure is stimulating to men. Just watching her mouth make men hungry for all of her. If she is clever, she exposes some bare skin in the process. This is where the guy accidentally misses his mouth and pours his drink in his lap while trying "not to look".
Men can also use effective flirting body languages to attract women. A man can enter walking slowly with good posture and no extra movements. If you make more extra movements then it shows that you have no control over your actions and you are not sure of what to do and what not to do. So walking should be smart enough with your thumbs in the front pocket. If you are seated, keep any of your personal objects like keys, drink, food and coins to demarcate your territory. Sometimes your smoking can attract a woman, though she would never like her husband to smoke. However, some women might enjoy watching her boy friend smoking. Eye contact can at times be very effective as eyes are the reflection of your mind and what you are thinking about. Thus eye contact can lead to arouse sexual instinct in a person.A man can be instigated by any woman. It is easier for a woman to attract a man in comparison to a man attracting a woman. A woman has the potential to arouse sexual desire to such an extent that he is not in the position to think with his brain and becomes a prey to a woman. Certain body languages can thus be very destructive in killing the mind of a man. A woman looks seductive in a very trivial state, maybe with water on her body, just by eating slowly, exposing a little bit, and showing a bit of skin. However, a man should keep in mind that love can never arise from such overtly display of skin show.