Orgasm : Do You Show Up For the Big O?

Do you show up - I mean really show up - when you have sex or make love? You might think, "Well, anyone would show up for that, right?" In the past, I would have agreed with this statement. Now, I have some serious doubts. I firmly believe in the importance of showing up and being present. Being present is essential to creating a full, sensuous, enjoyable experience of life. Though "being present" may sound like something that should be easy, in actuality, it poses a great challenge for many or most of us. Few people realize how little time they spend truly being present... even for events that should be pleasurable.

I used to think, without a doubt, that I showed up all the time. Then, in my early thirties, I received a "wake up call" when I began to do a lot of "consciousness work." Prior to that, I had been on a path of self-exploration for over a decade, but this was an intensive new phase of my personal growth process, bringing a whole new level of self-discovery. By the time I began this, I had graduated Summa Cum Laude from an Ivy League college, and had enjoyed tremendous academic success in a top-rated graduate program in Counseling Psychology. I had been involved in the performing arts, singing solos in choirs and playing leading roles in musical theater productions. As a hopeful romantic, I had experienced my share of joys and heartbreaks. So when I began participating in this series of retreats and trainings, my ego told me that I, of all people, must be good at being present - especially to have been able to accomplish what I had accomplished academically. I had a big surprise in store for me...

The more I learned about becoming aware and being present, the more I realized how little time I had been spending in awareness or in the present. I once had what was, to myself at that time, the embarrassing realization that -- almost whenever I was making love -- I would suddenly transport myself, mentally, to places I had been before. Without any warning or logical connection to anything, my mind would take me to a square in Florence, a house in Greece, an outdoor hot-tub in Arizona, or a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean in California. One time I recall, out of the blue, seeing myself as a fourth grader on the playground outside the elementary school I attended as a child. When I caught myself, all I could think was, "What the hell am I doing here?" It was not the most flattering moment for a young woman who had been striving to be a wonderful, sensual lover! Needless to say, I certainly was not experiencing great passion and intimacy in the moments I was completely "checked out."

In order to have a heightened, sensual experience, you really need to get present. In particular, you need to show up for the "Big O"! Okay, well maybe some of you can have a half-decent orgasm while fantasizing about some Playboy Bunny or Chippendale hunk, and/or some Victoria's Secret model or that stud in the latest Calvin Klein underwear ad. But I truly believe that you cannot have a fully embodied, "blow your mind and curl your toenails" kind of orgasm when your mind is wandering off somewhere. Neither can you build deep intimacy with a romantic partner under such circumstances, if that is what you are seeking to do.

If people were motivated to show up for anything, you would think that they would be motivated to show up for a pleasurable, sensual, and potentially loving experience. What about you? Do you spend time "in the moment"? 

Do you show up for the "Big O"? If you are not certain about whether or not you are truly present, then -- assuming that if you are reading this you probably are sexually active -- this may be one area in which to test yourself. You may want to ask yourself some of these questions (either while making love or while reviewing it afterward):

• Am I truly feeling, seeing, and engaging in what is happening in the moment?
• Am I truly experiencing the person I am with - rather than taking for granted that I already know him or her?
• Am I comparing him or her to a previous lover or to some ideal lover I have in my mind?
• Am I fantasizing about someone else?
• Am I concerned about the time?
• Am I worrying about work/studying/errands I should be doing now, or need to do later?
• Is my mind wandering to financial concerns or other challenges in my life?

In other words, the main question is:
Am I really here, or am I "checked out" and thinking about someone or something else?

Of course, you can ask similar questions about whether or not you truly are present for any experience in life that you are having, not just intimate or sexual experiences. If you discover, in this process of questioning, that you are not present very often, do not feel dismayed: this just means that you are a pretty normal human being. Realizing that you are not present can serve as a wake up call: When you become aware enough to "catch yourself" when you are checked out, you can begin to bring yourself back to the present. Many of us avoid the present. When we are in the present, we really allow life to impact us: hence, we feel vulnerable to life, and thus potentially vulnerable to feeling pain. However, it is only in taking the risk of being present that we can experience sheer joy and ecstasy, as well. So, the next time you are making love, take a risk: Show up for the "Big O"!

You'll be glad you came

Prolong your Lovemaking: Making It Last

How many of us are dissatisfied with our sex lives? Quite a plentitude of people want more or have trouble getting there because their lovers are finished before they have even started, or worse that they finish right when she's just warming up. As much as we would like to, we can't just lay blame on our lovers. We must take responsibility for our bodies/souls needs and create what we want and how we want it. "I always psyche myself into believing I'm some hot little sex kitten. I play out in my mind what I'd like to do with him and get very graphic. This always keeps me going. - "When entertaining a man one cannot neglect the setting. Make sure it's a place where both of you can be relaxed. Comfort is a major key when becoming intimate. Mellow lighting lots of pillows and silky sheets make for a nice start for my honey and I! I want him to know were going to be there for a while."-Marta S, Fla.

This may sound old fashioned but it can really make a difference when you take the time to know your lover. I mean really know them. How can your souls collide if you aren't connected on an emotional level? The quickie animal stuff just isn't for me!"-Trinidad "Most important for me is to trust your partner and to be loving with each other. I feel so vulnerable in intimate conditions, that I would rather wait for the loving relationship, rather than settle for some cheap sex." - "Don't get so set on the goal of orgasm. Enjoy sex for the moment and give attentions to the whole experience. Don't just focus on your genitals."- "Stop for a rest, when things start to slow down a bit. I find it fun and reviving to make a refrigerator raid. I usually keep plenty of goodies ready, I come running back to the bedroom or living room with treats, and before you know it we are at it again. It's fun to feed each other chocolate cherries ... then some yummy kisses can commence."- "Show him what you want. I actually ask my lovers to do this or bite harder on my nipples; there's no harm in getting it right. The men are usually very happy to accommodate my demands! - "I think most men do have a tender side to their nature, but society has put these stereotypes out there that make them think they have to be the hard driving, macho erection machine. Let him know that you don't want him to restrain himself from more tender expressions of his love. Men are conditioned to think they have to be "all that" all of the time. Take off the pressure."-Sonja, New Zealand

" Remember that variety is the spice of life! My husband and I love to roll play. We make whole stories and record them on video. Dressing the parts and all. We make a whole production out of it. It's fun. We also enjoy an open relationship and enjoy swinging and playing with other couples. It has added so much excitement to our love lives."